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The Mystery of Me

I’m coming along the trail we walk everyday and I hear my brown and white dog, Magic, beside me about 50 yards away running side hill.

I’m lost in thought in a place I usually practice getting lost in the moment. Just let the color, sound, smell, and self walk around. A daily walking meditation practice. In this way, practicing mindfulness, being completely present to self and to each thing on the trail and in the woods and in my heart. Ideally, not getting lost somewhere else in the future or the past. Not getting caught up in if I like something or don’t like it. Not letting the challenges of the day ahead worry me and so on.

But today, I’m thinking a lot. A bit of a black cloud following me. I’m looking down mostly. I was thinking: “geez, just yesterday I was so inspired and open and it was light and joyful. My practice was strong and true. Everything was just as it is, I didn't want for anything. I was even foolish enough to make a goofy video for the dharma. - what is suffering -

What happened today? I’m feeling the blah.” I had a deep sense of disappointment for not having that feeling anymore. But, I just continue on.

Then in my gaze all at once I saw a black animal running fast towards me. So quickly, I couldn't make out the size or shape yet. I was not brown and white like my dog. Everything fell out of the bottom somehow. I was in a completely strange place for an instant. What is it? That question became the whole moment.

Instantly I thought “BEAR!!” I actually jumped and yelled out a little. I was ready to run and as quickly as that happened I realized it was a black dog. I let out at huge laugh. Laughing because the bottom fell out for an instant.

I recognized who I was for moment. Not connected to anything. No beliefs, no stories, no identities, no notions of right and wrong. It was just me about to get out the way. It was new me, like I was protecting someone else, like I wasn't there.

It gave me a lot of joy to be free of me for an instant and clearly see my delusion.

I quickly was looking for the owner because I wanted to confess.

And I did. We laughed pretty hard. Or, I did anyway, I think he thought I was nuts.

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Welcome home, you bear you!

Home has no location like you being one with the bear.

xxxo Impermanence (Impertinence, as a poet friend loved to call me)

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